Responding to Biting

As I innocently watched Bluey with my children the other day, my one-year-old daughter crawled over and pulled herself up against the couch, beckoning for me to pick her up. As I lazily dragged her up onto my big belly she buried her face into my chest, for what I thought was a cuddle… Boy, did I get the shock of my life as she took a big chomp out of my skin.

Then she got the shock of her life when my natural reaction, out of self defence, was to quickly lift her off my body. Trust me, there is nothing nice about being bitten! I had trauma for days, and so did my daughter. Every time she buried her face to give me a cuddle I would flinch as I pre-empted the worse. Every time I flinched, my daughter relived the trauma of the jolt she got when I lifted her up. Everyone learnt that biting isn’t fun.

Children between the age of 1 and 3 years are likely to have at least one moment when they bite someone. They may do it once; they may do it multiple times. It isn’t a sign that your child is naughty or a bully or going to spend the rest of their lives in jail. It is a sign that your child is endeavouring to explore the many ways that they can express themselves. Generally, in the natural progression of life and community they quickly realise that biting is not as useful or pleasing as it first appears. They will come to this conclusion because of the way that people around them respond. Which means, the way we respond is very important.

• First, we need to talk about what has happened. E.g. “Let’s talk about what happened?” or “who can tell me what is happening?” often the child who is biting can’t explain what happened, so you are likely to get a one sided explanation from an older child.
  • Once you have established who has bitten, talk about how it has affected the other child e.g. “look, you have bitten your brother, and now he is really sad. It hurts when you bite your brother.” Calmly and clearly articulate the connection between the bite and the other child being hurt

• Second, determine the reason for the child biting and discuss how they could fill that need in ways that don’t hurt other people.
  • If they are teething, then provide frozen chews and talk about ways to soothe their pain.
  • If they are exploring orally then provide chewable toys and talk about things we can bite.
  • If they are over stimulated, then provide them with a quieter space to continue play.
  • If they are frustrated because they are tired, hungry or unwell then help them fill that need proactively to prevent biting from reoccurring.
  • If they are frustrated because they are uncapable to do something then talk to them about asking for help and seeking help from an adult.
  • If they are frustrated because they are being interrupted or interfered with then start to teach them to say “Stop” or “Stop, I don’t like it” and talk to older children about listening to the ques of their siblings. As adults, its important to be mindful of when children say stop. If we don’t stop when they ask us to then why would they?
  • If they are frustrated that they are being forced to do something or to stop doing something then we can encourage them by distracting them with other things.
  • It is similar when a child is waiting, give them alternatives while they wait.

• Third, encourage them to go and try the new ideas you have talked about. Make sure that they feel confident to continue expressing themselves. If they don’t feel confident and retreat into themselves, it will simply start the cycle of frustration all over. And with no new skills they may simply bite again.

At the end of the day, it is never nice to learn that your child has bitten another child. But let me assure you that they will move past biting. Some faster than others, but we almost never have children biting in our 3 and 4 year old rooms.